Wild & Free

Mama Mama

About a month ago, I came across a book that struck me right away as intriguing. I found it on Amazon, and put it in my “save for later” cart. I know we’ve all been taught to never judge a book by it’s cover… but the title alone whispered to my soul and the tag line felt like something pulling on my heart strings. Still, I knew we financially couldn’t just buy whatever we felt we wanted, so I didn’t purchase the book.

With everything that’s been going on in our crazy lives, this book has been in the back of my mind and a few days ago I decided, that after the emotional break-downs, confusion, chaos, and uncertainty, this was no longer just a book I wanted, but maybe it was just what I needed.

Sometimes God works in funny ways. His timing is never wrong.

The forward, introduction, and first half of chapter one is all I could get in this morning and if it wasn’t for a couple hungry munchkins, I would have not put it down. As soon as the kids went down for a nap, I finished chapter one.

40 pages.

That’s all it took to really sink in that maybe all this confusion, chaos, and uncertainty is happening for a reason. Maybe this is just the beginning of a journey God has me on to find my “Eden identity”.

To quote a brief section that connected with me today:

“When a horse is finally tamed and trained, bearing the burden of saddle and human expectations alike, she is called broken. It is only then that she performs the duties expected of her.”

“I don’t think that’s what God ever had in mind for Eve. And I don’t think that’s what God ever had in mind for you and for me.”

Broken. 

Not in a “She can’t be fixed”.

or a “She doesn’t work properly”. kind of way.

More like a “She isn’t her pure, wild self”. 

All my confusion, and all my uncertainty lately has been about an identity crisis. I’ve felt I am too much, and not enough, all at once, just as this book states. I am not sure who I am supposed to be, as a professional, as a wife, as a mother, and as a daughter of God. There have been so many changes in my life the last couple years that I am left to filter, prioritize, and accept where I am today. And pray that God reveals my path forward before I go too crazy.

Who am I meant to be? Who is the wild, most pure version of myself?

I am not the professional manager of a busy 24-hour gym anymore. I am not the well-dressed hostess at a local, fine-dining restaurant. I am not the personal trainer gone bikini competitor in her heels and spray tan on stage.

What I am is Mama. And though it is the ONE thing I WANT to be, I am having a hard time accepting that this is all I am meant for in my life. I am having a hard time knowing I am not doing more to help our family financially. I am having a hard time feeling like I should be doing more. 

I feel I am expected to achieve more as a stay-at-home mother, Lord knows dishes are my weakness. I feel I am expected to do more financially, though what I have done in the past doesn’t settle well with my heart anymore. I feel my emotions have been out of control and I should be able to contain them a little easier. That would be more acceptable. I feel I am expecting too much of myself, as well. I expect myself to have full control over what happens with our babies, with my fitness, with our little farm we are creating, and it’s exhausting! Is this what being broken feels like? If so, I want nothing more to be wild and free.

I am anxious to dig further into reading this book, because I know now that it was a perfect choice for me at this point of time in my life. I cannot wait to uncover what it helps me open up and reveal about myself, and where God might lead me.

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Sometimes all it takes to feel a little better is a good book that truly connects with you.

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